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swatting flies with wrecking balls [entries|friends|calendar]

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[15 Jan 2004|06:29pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i wish i could survive without eating

10 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[05 Jan 2004|06:30pm]
[ mood | awake ]

i break in two over you
13 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[02 Jan 2004|03:19am]
i honestly, really dont know how to deal with this
7 Kiss Kisses| post comment

what a horrible morning. [29 Dec 2003|03:47pm]
[ mood | disbelief ]

Andrew Sten
1985 - 2003

i don't even know what to say here right now
it does not seem real enough to me
"this cant be happening"
thats all that i can think
no one can believe this is true
through all the good
and all the bad
i still love you
and andrew, i miss you
15 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[20 Dec 2003|11:23am]

i like being happy and smiling
because it comes so natural
and its easy for me
i will no longer
allow myself to be unhappy
because of the same situation
over and over again
it tears me up inside
and even though it will continue too
im not dragging myself through it
anymore, day after day
i have so many things to look forward to
and so many things to be happy about
as much as i worry about everything
im going to continue to do so
but - not without a smile
4 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[17 Dec 2003|03:53pm]
why cant you please
i dont fuckin' know
gosh i hope
that you know
that this
is all
3 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[12 Dec 2003|11:10am]
i wish that people could talk to me
when they had a problem with me
instead of just implying
that they think i did something wrong
or acting mad at me
when i dont even know what the deal is
quit posting about it
or sending little hints to everyone else
and then i hear it
that's dumb -
just open your mouth
call my number
come to my house
and tell me you hate me
do you know how much easier that
would be??
it would be easier on all of us.
im just so frusterated
and once again
i feel like a huge fuck-up
why cant there just be one good day?!
why cant people put aside all their
hate or their shit or whatever else
and just be happy
or try and make someone else smile
why cant it all be about the good
for once? just set things aside
and just try to be
without a problem every day
i don't know - yeah
so i suck
and i cause all these problems
and i cant make decisions
and i do everything wrong
yeah yeah yeah i already know that
rub it in a little more please

[10 Dec 2003|07:11pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

because you knew i was going to see that

1 Kiss Kiss| post comment

oh the irony [03 Dec 2003|11:50am]
[ mood | blank ]

i swear talk shows are so stupid
they have topics like anorexia, whatever
and they explain everything about them
they have guests on tv
theres a girl on there whose acutally
going through it
and teenage girls are watching the program
the girl with anorexia says how well not eating
worked, how much weight she put off, etc.
the girl watching is going to think
"yeah it might cause a lil disfunction
but it gets me looking who i want"
so the girl is completely going to disregard
the fact that the family is worried
and friends are worried
and that she could possible get
terminally sick from it
and she's going to continue doing it
or start doing it
because she knows that it works
and when it call comes down to it
if it works
nothing else matters.

3 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[02 Dec 2003|09:39pm]
[ mood | confused ]

please just let me know that you are okay
call me
answer me, anything
you dont understand
or maybe you do
how easy it is to fall out of the loop with you
and i hate it
3 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[25 Nov 2003|09:25am]
[ mood | blank ]

i swear its always something.
i don't know how much of this i can take.
my stomach feels like it's full of rocks.
it felt so good to eat a smore.
but it looked so much better in the toilet.
i sound like a nuissance.
whining about something that i know i can't change.
i can't handle it.
the screaming. the hitting. the fighting.
awkward silences, it's too much sometimes.
within these walls, there's no one to turn to.
and for some reason, for everyone else,
that's okay.
and fuck.
now i have to go to mass.

4 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[23 Nov 2003|01:29pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

so much to say
so little time for me
to explain the way
i feel you only
things the way
you want to see them
it makes sense to you
all these things you do
you got it all figured out while everyone is confused
how do you do it
in your mind im just blind
you're right all of the time
if i think for myself
i guess im way out of line
im not who you are
im so sorry
no matter what i do
its never good enough
so why try
i give up
7 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[21 Nov 2003|11:34am]
*calms down*
6 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[21 Nov 2003|12:03am]
i cant believe hannah deleted her livejournal

i just got off the phone with someone
and i feel really inspired
and positive and motivated
and everything feels really okay right now
like, really okay
and im happy
3 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[20 Nov 2003|08:21am]
8 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[18 Nov 2003|08:31am]
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
thats all it sounds like
blah blah blah...
1 Kiss Kiss| post comment

[15 Nov 2003|11:46pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

theres so much on my mind to say
that i cant bring my self to speak to anyone
im so frusterated
with everything
nothing that i do feels right
i feel the need to apologize
for pretty much everything
i hate feeling stupid
and just dumb around people
and the fact that i let other people get to see much
i hate always worrying about something
feeling like something needs to be wrong
never being satisfied, really
i dont know
this is stupid for me bitching
cause, well i dont know
im happy - but even though
i still feel like a depressed little shit
things are okay
for like a week at the max
but they always suck at the end
and i hate them
i hate that im not real good friends with hannah or jason anymore
theres just so much i dont know
i dont know what to say
or what to do
and i wonder if they even want to try
sometimes they say other wise
but other times im just so clueless
maybe im doing for putting names
but its better than to make people wonder
i want to go back to good times
where everything was out of fun
and new and interesting
not that things need to change to be new again
i just want to feel the same way for people as i did
im so stupid. so so stupid.
i hate how dumb my mom makes me feel
she can hit me in the face
and not care
i want to hit her back so bad
its the worst feeling ever
and i hate talking about it
cause i dont want to to be a burden
making someone have to feel sympathy for me
but secretly, thats what i need
i need someone to talk too
and not worry whether or not they think im bitching
i can be this kind of person
always worrying about other people
having to stay strong
im not like that anymore
as much as i try, i cant be
i feel so shitted on
but at the same times, things feel okay
theres always 50% that is shit
and 50% that is good
and i hate that i left the bad 50% bring me down so bad
i want to just stay home
and not come out of my room
and just deal with myself
because sometimes i hate having to make other people deal with me
i hate feeling the need to avoid people
friends, family ecspecially
but i don't know what else to do
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.
i am not perfect.

i need to realize that i cant make everyone happy
and that perfection is not within arms length
i have to understand that i have to make decisions best for me
even if they wont make everyone smile
im stupid to think that i ever could
maybe i was wrong for trying
or maybe thats really what im here to do
to make others smile
and honestly if i am, id be okay with that
if i knew they were really going to smile
but as fast as people change
i change too
not over all - but states of mind
its amazing how close to someone you can feel
but then the next day, feel so naked beside them
like everything is different
i know the people that i love
but i dont always feel that they love me back
is it so hard to talk to someone?
to have a good day?
to not worry about someone else?
to wonder whose gonna call who?
to wonder if someone misses you??
obviously not
because i do it every fucking day
and its tearing me up.
i just need someone to talk too
i do
i just dont know that they want to hear
and memories fuck people over
you can miss something so much
knowing its never going to be the same way again
and then where are you left?
in the dust
holding on to something
wondering if other people still care
and youll never know
its so easy to hear abotu someone else
and their life
and just be so jealous of them
and hate them for not knowing how good they have it
and being absolutely disgusted at how they abuse it
then in turn being disgusted with yourself
because it's not your life
contradiction sucks ass
but yes im guilty
everyone is
join the club.
fuck this.

6 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[11 Nov 2003|02:09pm]
[ mood | blank ]

i miss freshman year.
i miss movie nights.
i miss getting drunk.
and having to hide the beer.
i miss inside jokes.
i miss doing the same thing
every weekend.
i miss not having a ride
i miss being so excited about
super good shows.
i miss long phone conversations.
i miss sleep overs.
i miss walking everywhere.
i miss my best friend

16 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[07 Nov 2003|01:39pm]
[ mood | restless ]


2 Kiss Kisses| post comment

[06 Nov 2003|06:21pm]
[ mood | content ]

the best cry ive ever had
is after ive realized theres nothing i can do to fix the problems i have
its sort of relieving
knowing no matter what, everything is basically set out for you
you just have to pick the direction
the turn, the channel you follow
its all right there
i can worry so much about everything that bothers me
but theres not really anything i can do
as horrible as that is, maybe its a good
because probably by now i would've done some stupid shit

11 Kiss Kisses| post comment

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