urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon sars sars 2004-01-16T00:32:33Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:11595 2004-01-16T00:32:33Z 2004-01-16T00:32:33Z i wish i could survive without eating urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:11344 2004-01-06T00:35:51Z 2004-01-06T00:35:51Z killswitch engage <center><img src="http://img8.photobucket.com/albums/v23/twohitsthesix/DSCN1521.jpg"><br /><i>i break in two over you</i></center> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:11018 2004-01-02T09:23:13Z 2004-01-02T09:23:13Z i honestly, really dont know how to deal with this urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:10916 2003-12-29T21:52:22Z 2003-12-29T21:57:41Z <center><br />Andrew Sten<br />1985 - 2003<br /><img src="http://img2.photobucket.com/albums/v11/rxqueen13/DSCN0992.jpg"><img src="http://img2.photobucket.com/albums/v11/rxqueen13/DSCN0990.jpg"><br /><img src="http://img2.photobucket.com/albums/v11/rxqueen13/DSCN0988.jpg"><br />i don't even know what to say here right now<br />it does not seem real enough to me<br />"this cant be happening"<br />thats all that i can think<br />no one can believe this is true<br />through all the good<br />and all the bad<br />i still love you<br />and andrew, i miss you<br /></center> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:10655 2003-12-20T17:27:32Z 2003-12-20T17:27:32Z <center><br />i like being happy and smiling<br />because it comes so natural<br />and its easy for me<br />i will no longer<br />allow myself to be unhappy<br />because of the same situation<br />over and over again<br />it tears me up inside<br />and even though it will continue too<br />im not dragging myself through it<br />anymore, day after day<br />i have so many things to look forward to<br />and so many things to be happy about<br />as much as i worry about everything<br />im going to continue to do so<br />but - not without a smile<br /></center> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:10366 2003-12-17T21:57:29Z 2003-12-17T21:57:29Z uggh.<br />why cant you please<br />just<br />i dont fuckin' know<br />GIVE ME A SIGN<br />gosh i hope<br />that you know<br />that this<br />is all<br />about<br />you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:9994 2003-12-12T17:16:27Z 2003-12-12T17:16:27Z i wish that people could talk to me<br />when they had a problem with me<br />instead of just implying<br />that they think i did something wrong<br />or acting mad at me<br />when i dont even know what the deal is<br />quit posting about it<br />or sending little hints to everyone else<br />and then i hear it <br />that's dumb - <br />just open your mouth<br />call my number<br />come to my house<br />and tell me you hate me<br />do you know how much easier that<br />would be??<br />yes<br />it would be easier on all of us.<br />gosh<br />im just so frusterated<br />and once again<br />i feel like a huge fuck-up<br />why cant there just be one good day?!<br />why cant people put aside all their<br />hate or their shit or whatever else<br />and just be happy<br />or try and make someone else smile<br />why cant it all be about the good<br />for once? just set things aside<br />and just try to <i>be</i><br />without a problem every day<br />i don't know - yeah<br />so i suck<br />and i cause all these problems<br />and i cant make decisions<br />and i do everything wrong<br />yeah yeah yeah i already know that <br />rub it in a little more please urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:9902 2003-12-11T01:14:31Z 2003-12-11T01:14:31Z deftones because you knew i was going to see that<br />&lt;/3 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:9474 2003-12-03T17:52:13Z 2003-12-03T17:52:13Z i swear talk shows are so stupid<br />they have topics like anorexia, whatever<br />and they explain everything about them<br />they have guests on tv<br />theres a girl on there whose acutally<br />going through it<br />and teenage girls are watching the program<br />the girl with anorexia says how well not eating<br />worked, how much weight she put off, etc.<br />the girl watching is going to think<br />"yeah it might cause a lil disfunction<br />but it gets me looking who i want"<br />so the girl is completely going to disregard<br />the fact that the family is worried<br />and friends are worried<br />and that she could possible get<br />terminally sick from it<br />and she's going to continue doing it<br />or start doing it<br />because she knows that it works<br />and when it call comes down to it<br />if it works<br />nothing else matters. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:9403 2003-12-03T03:42:57Z 2003-12-03T03:42:57Z civella <center>please just let me know that you are okay<br />call me<br />answer me, anything<br />you dont understand<br />or maybe you do<br />how easy it is to fall out of the loop with you<br />and i hate it<br /><font color="red">hate.is.an.understatement.</font><br /></center> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:9011 2003-11-25T15:29:02Z 2003-11-25T15:29:02Z i swear its always something.<br />i don't know how much of this i can take.<br />my stomach feels like it's full of rocks.<br />it felt so good to eat a smore.<br />but it looked so much better in the toilet.<br />i sound like a nuissance.<br />whining about something that i know i can't change.<br />i can't handle it.<br />the screaming. the hitting. the fighting.<br />awkward silences, it's too much sometimes.<br />within these walls, there's no one to turn to.<br />and for some reason, for everyone else,<br />that's okay.<br />and fuck.<br />now i have to go to mass. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:8945 2003-11-23T19:35:17Z 2003-11-23T19:35:17Z <center>so much to say<br />so little time for me<br />to explain the way<br />i feel you only <br />see<br />things the way<br />you want to see them<br />it makes sense to you<br />all these things you do<br />you got it all figured out while everyone is confused<br />how do you do it<br />in your mind im just blind<br />you're right all of the time<br />if i think for myself<br />i guess im way out of line<br />im not who you are<br />im so sorry<br />no matter what i do <br />its never good enough<br />so why try<br />i give up<br /></center> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:8613 2003-11-21T17:35:32Z 2003-11-21T17:35:32Z OH MAN<br />IM SO EXCITED<br />I CANT CONTAIN THIS<br />YOU DONT EVEN KNOW SISTAHS AND BROTHAS<br />IM BOUNCIN OFF THE WALLS AGAIN<br />WOOAH.<br />*calms down*<br />1..2...3...4...5....6.7.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:8335 2003-11-21T06:04:14Z 2003-11-21T06:04:14Z i cant believe hannah deleted her livejournal<br /><br />i just got off the phone with someone<br />and i feel really inspired<br />and positive and motivated<br />and everything feels really okay right now<br />like, really okay<br />and im happy urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:7957 2003-11-20T14:22:10Z 2003-11-20T14:22:10Z hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3.hate.jealous.sad.&lt;/3. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:7703 2003-11-18T14:31:22Z 2003-11-18T14:31:22Z blah blah blah blah blah blah blah<br />thats all it sounds like<br />blah blah blah... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:7434 2003-11-16T05:58:40Z 2003-11-16T05:58:40Z theres so much on my mind to say<br />that i cant bring my self to speak to anyone<br />im so frusterated<br />with everything<br />nothing that i do feels right<br />i feel the need to apologize<br />for pretty much everything<br />i hate feeling stupid<br />and just dumb around people<br />and the fact that i let other people get to see much<br />i hate always worrying about something<br />feeling like something needs to be wrong<br />never being satisfied, really<br />i dont know<br />this is stupid for me bitching<br />cause, well i dont know<br />im happy - but even though<br />i still feel like a depressed little shit<br />things are okay<br />for like a week at the max<br />but they always suck at the end<br />and i hate them<br />i hate that im not real good friends with hannah or jason anymore<br />theres just so much i dont know<br />i dont know what to say<br />or what to do<br />and i wonder if they even want to try <br />sometimes they say other wise<br />but other times im just so clueless<br />maybe im doing for putting names<br />but its better than to make people wonder<br />i want to go back to good times<br />where everything was out of fun<br />and new and interesting<br />not that things need to change to be new again<br />i just want to feel the same way for people as i did<br />ugghh.<br />im so stupid. so so stupid.<br />i hate how dumb my mom makes me feel<br />she can hit me in the face<br />and not care<br />i want to hit her back so bad<br />its the worst feeling ever<br />and i hate talking about it<br />cause i dont want to to be a burden<br />making someone have to feel sympathy for me<br />but secretly, thats what i need<br />i need someone to talk too<br />and not worry whether or not they think im bitching<br />i can be this kind of person<br />always worrying about other people<br />having to stay strong<br />im not like that anymore<br />as much as i try, i cant be<br />i feel so shitted on<br />but at the same times, things feel okay<br />theres always 50% that is shit<br />and 50% that is good<br />and i hate that i left the bad 50% bring me down so bad<br />i want to just stay home<br />and not come out of my room<br />and just deal with myself<br />because sometimes i hate having to make other people deal with me<br />i hate feeling the need to avoid people<br />friends, family ecspecially<br />but i don't know what else to do<br /><strike>i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.<br />i am not perfect.</strike><br />i need to realize that i cant make everyone happy<br />and that perfection is not within arms length<br />i have to understand that i have to make decisions best for me<br />even if they wont make everyone smile<br />im stupid to think that i ever could<br />maybe i was wrong for trying<br />or maybe thats really what im here to do<br />to make others smile<br />and honestly if i am, id be okay with that<br />if i knew they were really going to smile<br />but as fast as people change<br />i change too<br />not over all - but states of mind<br />its amazing how close to someone you can feel<br />but then the next day, feel so naked beside them<br />like everything is different<br />i know the people that i love<br />but i dont always feel that they love me back<br />is it so hard to talk to someone?<br />to have a good day?<br />to not worry about someone else?<br />to wonder whose gonna call who?<br />to wonder if someone misses you??<br />obviously not<br />because i do it every fucking day<br />and its tearing me up.<br />i just need someone to talk too<br />i do<br />i just dont know that they want to hear<br />and memories fuck people over<br />you can miss something so much<br />knowing its never going to be the same way again<br />and then where are you left?<br />in the dust<br />holding on to something<br />wondering if other people still care<br />and youll never know<br />never <br />ever<br />its so easy to hear abotu someone else<br />and their life<br />and just be so jealous of them<br />and hate them for not knowing how good they have it<br />and being absolutely disgusted at how they abuse it<br />then in turn being disgusted with yourself<br />because it's not your life<br />contradiction sucks ass<br />but yes im guilty<br />everyone is<br />join the club.<br />fuck this. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:7252 2003-11-11T20:11:30Z 2003-11-11T20:11:30Z i miss freshman year.<br />i miss movie nights.<br />i miss getting drunk.<br />and having to hide the beer.<br />i miss inside jokes.<br />i miss doing the same thing<br />every weekend.<br />i miss not having a ride<br />anywhere.<br />i miss being so excited about<br />super good shows.<br />i miss long phone conversations.<br />i miss sleep overs.<br />i miss walking everywhere.<br /><b>i miss my best friend</b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:6976 2003-11-07T19:40:13Z 2003-11-07T19:40:13Z <b>whatever</b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:6854 2003-11-07T00:24:54Z 2003-11-07T00:24:54Z the best cry ive ever had<br />is after ive realized theres nothing i can do to fix the problems i have <br />its sort of relieving<br />knowing no matter what, everything is basically set out for you<br />you just have to pick the direction<br />the turn, the channel you follow<br />its all right there<br />i can worry so much about everything that bothers me<br />but theres not really anything i can do<br />as horrible as that is, maybe its a good<br />because probably by now i would've done some stupid shit urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:6521 2003-11-06T20:18:03Z 2003-11-06T20:18:03Z hey jason<br />will you please stop being mad at me?<br />thanks.<br />-Mars urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:6286 2003-11-04T17:31:08Z 2003-11-04T17:31:08Z its stupid donig things<br />that you dont need to do<br />so you dont sleep to win a bet<br />so you dont eat to win a bet<br />so you're really not sleeping because you really cant sleep<br />so you're really not eating cause you wanna lose weight<br />it's ironic<br />irony - alanis morrisette said it best<br />it's all just a waste<br />this is not a pesimistic post<br />and im not sad or unahppy<br />or wishing to be some thing else<br />this is just me thinking.<br />i dont knwo- thoughts are improtant. maybe you shouild just listen more to me when i talk<br />actions speak louder than words?<br />that wuld suck al ot of cock for some people<br />i cant ttype straight<br />im at school with too much to say.. too much too say... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:5943 2003-11-03T23:00:43Z 2003-11-03T23:31:20Z silverstein hmm alot of times i feel really stupid<br />and this is another one of those times<br />it seems like for alot of other people<br />they have it so much better<br />and that things are so much easier for them<br />and it frusterates me<br />i always wonder why people want to be around me<br />to be close to me, etc<br />when i see so many other people who seem so much more interesting than me<br />decisions we make, i swear - confuse the hell out of me<br /><br />i really cant stand to see you doing this<br />and it frusterates me to the point i want to punch you<br />i feel so bad for everyone/everything else involved<br />or even those who are just looking<br />but no one understands it but you and me<br />ughh.. im starting to hate this livejournal<br />i dont feel that i can be 100% open on it<br />but hey - thats what happens<br />mabye i just need a private one<br />or i should use paper<br />or i should just quit thinking.......... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:5653 2003-11-02T17:10:18Z 2003-11-02T17:10:18Z tool <center>im doing really really good today<br />thank you for calling<br />i had a pretty damn good weekend<br />i havent slept for 24 hours<br />and im going for yet another record to myself<br />i stayed up all night talking to colby<br />and that was fantastic and just crazy<br />im so hyper i feel like im thinking too fast<br />i have homework, but i dont much care<br />uncles birthday is today woo hoo party!!<br />tooo bad no one can come with me, boo hoo<br /><br /><span class='ljuser ljuser-name_uneloutre' lj:user='uneloutre' style='white-space: nowrap; text-decoration: line-through;'><a href='http://uneloutre.livejournal.com/profile'><img src='http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif' alt='[info]' width='17' height='17' style='vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;' /></a><a href='http://uneloutre.livejournal.com/'><b>uneloutre</b></a></span> you are so so crazy!!<br />im smiling.</center> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jesushasaweapon:5626 2003-11-02T04:22:03Z 2003-11-02T04:22:03Z a perfect circle <center> i am so confused</center>